Overview

Sometimes our students can be great teachers if we pay close attention to what emerges from the challenges they face. At Chatsworth International School we help students with interpersonal issues, which are often initially labeled or mislabeled as ‘bullying’ when in fact we see them as opportunities for learning. This can be true for kids who are on the ‘sending end’ or the ‘receiving end’ of whatever has transpired.

When we show students that we care about them, hold up a mirror to their behaviour, and gently explain the pathway of Intervention, Discipline, and Review Board, they almost always self-correct and do the right thing.

A Prime Example

Take 10-year-old Primary student Adrian, for example, who came home crying from school one day and gave his mother an account of how he was ‘bullied’ on the bus. Someone had pulled down his trousers and a 12-year-old Secondary girl, Isabel, videotaped it. He was told it would end up on YouTube.

When I talked with Isabel her story was completely different. She was the one being ‘bullied’ on the bus by Adrian, who runs up and down, pulls down his pants, and subjects her to his antics daily. That day she videotaped him pulling his pants down as proof of what she had to endure.

One would think that the video would clearly show who was the ‘bully’ and who was the ‘victim’ but as in most situations involving kids, particularly in international schools, these words don’t fit and don’t help.

Adrian did pull his own trousers down after being goaded by another boy who wanted him to repeat his silly behaviour for the camera. However this time, instead of kids laughing with Adrian, kids were laughing at the idea that this video could wind up on YouTube. Not funny for Adrian who felt so exposed by the time he got home that the story had become distorted in his mind.

When shown an image from the video of him quickly dropping his trousers, Adrian was so baffled that he simultaneously gulped and welled up in disbelief. His parents had caught him in little lies before but they saw that this was different. Anyone present in that meeting would have seen one confused little boy.

Adrian’s lesson for all of us is that it is difficult for children to take responsibility for their part if they are feeling vulnerable and only focusing on what has been directed toward them, rather than how they may have contributed to the problem. The same can be said for Isabel, who was also feeling vulnerable and only focusing on how Adrian’s behaviour was directed towards her, until she realized that it was insensitive to put him through what she did that day on the bus. Initially, vulnerability trumps responsibility.

One would think that the video would clearly show who was the ‘bully’ and who was the ‘victim’ but as in most situations involving kids, particularly in international schools, these words don’t fit and don’t help.

A Different Approach

At Chatsworth we use our own model to Teach Children to be Resilient and Responsible that includes specific language to describe interpersonal interactions because the word ‘bullying’ is so often overused and misused that it now tells us very little about what has actually transpired.

We approach almost every situation with a Level One: Intervention discussion designed to understand where each child is coming from and what is behind the behaviour. We strengthen the targeted student for future interactions without using the term ‘victim’, so that he or she learns that this happened to me but it does not define me. The other student is not referred to as a ‘bully’, but is gently told that the behaviour must end with no retaliation. In this discussion, we want want this child to reflect and realize that this is what I did, but it is not who I am. We are addressing both resilience and responsibility.

There is an incentive for kids to self-correct at the intervention level and avoid moving to Level Two: Discipline, which would involve a suspension and a discussion with the parents. Students automatically move to discipline if they have not learned from the intervention, or if what they have done is much more serious. The third level is a Review Board to decide if the student is eligible to remain in the school if the behaviour has continued despite significant intervention and discipline efforts.

Final Thoughts

When we show students that we care about them, hold up a mirror to their behaviour, and gently explain the pathway of Intervention, Discipline, and Review Board and how easy it is to resolve things at the intervention level, they almost always self-correct and do the right thing.

Rather than view what happened on the bus as ‘bullying’ by either account, we have mined for powerful learnings for Adrian and Isabel. We have also confirmed, once again, that there is usually more to the story, and that having gentle conversations with kids works best.

My next post will talk about ways to educate the overprotective parent.  I think we all have met one. 😉

Disclaimer: Ideas and opinions in the blog posts are the work of the author and do not necessarily reflect the ideas or beliefs of 21CLI.